Madam Carlisle
by Uxiegirl
Summary: Carlisle gets a job at Hogwarts and moves the whole Cullen family and Bella there, just in time for the Yule Ball.
1. Job Offer

**Ta-da! You know we all love HP/Twilight crossovers, and though I never really planned on doing another one of these things, I'm going to try it. I hope I haven't lost my completely random charm.**

The Cullens were playing a family favorite – _Who Can Make Fun of the Weak Human the Best_? The weak human, being Bella, was never present when the Cullens were playing their favorite game, and neither was Edward.

The Cullens all remembered the last time Edward had caught them while they were playing the fixture. Emmett had made a slip in his mind, which Edward caught. Edward then took all of his family members and sat them on the couch, and spent the next twenty-four hours pacing in front of them and telling them off.

Nobody wanted that to happen again.

Still, it was absolutely irresistible. How feeble Bella was, how clumsy, how stupid. Somewhere deep in each of their minds they felt a little bad for poor Bella, but, like they always did, they cursed that part of their minds and continued with the game.

It was Emmett's turn. Each of the clock's ticks felt like an eternity. Emmett's mouth was agape, his eyes unfocused, drool beginning to drip from his mouth. "Uhh...." he droned on an on and on.

The phone rang from the kitchen. "I'll get it!" all five Cullens shouted as Emmett droned on.

Carlisle stood. "I'll get it," he said. His tone was both disgusted at his adoptive children and wife and completely relieved. "It's probably from work.

Carlisle left the room in a flash, and the remaining Cullens could hear him murmur on the phone. "Uh-huh," he said. "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Really? Really? _Really_? You don't say. You don't say. You don't say!"

There was continued silence except for the ticking of the clock, Emmett, and Carlisle. "Uhhh……" Emmett continued.

"Uh-huh." Said Carlisle. "Uh-huh. Of course. Of course. Of course! Of course. Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you so much."

Carlisle reappeared. "Get your spit back in your mouth, Emmett," he said excitedly. "I just got offered a job!"

"You have?" Esme gasped. "Who would hire – I mean, that's great, honey!"

"And it's at Hogwarts," Carlisle added. "They fired their old nurse, Pomfry, and they need a replacement. They're even willing to tear up the contract to let us come back!"

"Why'd we get that contract again?" Emmett asked. He had suffered from short-term memory loss since he'd looked at Bella funny and Rosalie had beaten him up.

"We got it because of our favorite sister, Rosalie," said Alice. "Who tried to kill the students."

"You watch it, midget," Rosalie snapped. "It was your little hubby's fault! He made me crazy!"

"Emmett dared me to!"

All the Cullens' eyes rested on Jasper. "Really?" even Emmett asked in unison.

"Emmett, is this true?" Esme asked with big eyes and a gasp that she had spent hours in front of a mirror practicing.

He shrugged. "I don't even remember five minutes ago. What were we talking about again?"

"I don't really care," Carlisle admitted. "What I _do_ care about is that Edward's not going to be happy."

**Okay, not the same start as my first brilliant comedy, Rosalie's Exboyfriend, but I took this basically out of nothing. So, if you want to review, please do.**

**If you don't want to review, do it anyway.**

**REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**


	2. NOOOOOOOO!

**And yes, Dumbledore's a big doosh-head for doing this.**

"Hey guys," Edward said, walking through the door like he was a forty-year-old accountant with a nagging wife and seven kids. He paused. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's…wrong," Carlisle said quietly. "Uh…Esme, why don't you tell Edward the news?"

"And take away that honor from Alice? I just couldn't."

"Oh, no, no, no! I could never…Emmett?"

"What news?"

"I'll do it, I'll do it," Rosalie said snippily. "Edward, Carlisle got a job at Hogwarts as a nurse. We're going to have to move there. Is that okay with you?"

"But what about Bella?"

"Who's Bella?" asked Emmett.

"Listen, Edward. You know she's always welcome to come if Charlie will let her," Carlisle said.

"Translation," Jasper put in. "She can't come."

Edward ran outside and cried like only a B-movie actor could. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he shouted to the sky, falling to his knees. "Why? Oh, why?!"

"Because it's a great opportunity for all of us," Jasper put in unnecessarily.

Edward continued crying to the sky.

"Hey," Carlisle whispered to Alice. "What's going to happen if we go get some burgers?"

"Emmett's gonna throw up," she said.

"Excellent. Let's go." And so the Cullens piled into the car and went to Burger King. **(Not McDonalds. I have a personal grudge against those guys… Okay, maybe McDonalds.)**

………………………………………………………………………………………………

The Cullens came back from their burger trip with Rosalie looking at her nails, Alice holding hands with Jasper, who was looking at her like she was crazy, and chanting like some cheesy fortune-teller, Carlisle was singing some freaky show-tune from a really bad movie, Esme was smiling like a psycho-idiot and staring out the windshield at nothing in particular, and Emmett was knocked out in the backseat with what was left of his burger all over his clothes.

Edward was still screaming in the backyard like the painting by Picasso at the top of his lungs, and he hadn't moved an inch since his family left.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Dude, you haven't really been screaming all this time, have you?" Carlisle asked him in an attempt to be cool.

"No," Edward admitted, coming inside and dusting off his clothes. "While you were gone I went to watch Bella sleep."

"You know that's super-creepy, don't you?" Jasper asked him.

"What's so creepy about watching a person sleep?"

"You _sneak in her house_!"

"So?"

"_Through the window_!"

"It's a classic!"

"Yeah, for a cat burglar!"

"You're just jealous because I'm hot."

The Cullens stared at him for a moment. Then they all began talking to each other at once. "Oh, yeah. That's true. You can't deny it, you know."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"A dream is a wiiiiiiish your heart makes," Emmett began singing in a high, opera voice. "When you're fast asleeeeeeep!"

"Emmett, are you drunk?"

"What's drunk?"

"Never mind."

**Okay, kind of weak, but there's not much you can do when it comes to just the Cullens. Once we get some Draco in here and some Ron and some Bella and some Hermione, and especially the totally-hip Harry Potter (and of course Dumbledore), things will probably get a whole lot funnier.**

'**Till then, REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**


	3. Come

**Here we go. The over-dramatic talk with Bella.**

**This is going to be sweet…**

Edward walked up to Bella Swan as if Emmett had just killed his puppy. He didn't look at her; instead he looked down at his feet, (which held a considerably stylish pair of shoes) and tried his best not to bump into anything.

Bella immediately began to talk to him at lightning speed, telling him all about her dream last night. "Oh, Eddie, it was the best!" she cried. "You were there, and you bit me, and then I was gorgeous!!!"

Edward was so sad he didn't even notice when Bella called him his least favorite nickname. "If you're going to call me Eddie," he had always said to her, "Go kill Jacob." And so she had killed Jacob.

But he came back.

"Why aren't you squealing?" Bella snapped at her beau. "Those men were hot."

"I'm sorry, Bella," Edward sighed. "But Carlisle got a job he just can't pass up." He struck a dramatic pose. "I must go with him."

Bella gasped. "Oh, no, Edward!" she cried. "Don't go! I will miss you!"

"And I will miss you, too, my dear," Edward went on. "But this job is impossible to pass up."

"What if I go with you?" Bella asked.

"Oh, no, Bella," said Edward. "I could never put you in danger like this!" Edward didn't really think Bella would be in any kind of danger at Hogwarts. It was the safest place in the world, actually. But he didn't want his girlfriend harshing his mood, destroying his mojo. It would be embarrassing.

"Oh, I won't be in any danger," she said. "I'll bring Jacob with me."

"No!" Edward gasped. He cleared his throat. "I mean…I could never ask Jacob to do something like that."

"But you wouldn't be asking him," Bella pointed out. "Besides, Jake's got no life. He could use a girlfriend. Maybe this could help him."

Edward hesitated. If Jacob got a girlfriend, maybe he would leave Bella alone, he thought to himself. "What if…Jacob comes…and you don't?"

"But…I'm adorable," Bella pouted. Edward looked at her. That was true. But she was also clumsy and slow and…wait, he was playing that game!

Edward shook his head. "I cannot do this to you, Bella," he said. "You're just going to have to live without me."

"Don't get cocky, Eddie boy," Bella said with a laugh. "Of course I can live without you! I just want you mon – I mean…I'm going to come anyways."

"No you're not."

"Yes," Bella growled. "I am."

Edward looked at his girlfriend with fear.

"Y-you're right," he stammered. "Y-you should come. I c-could never l-live without you, h-honey."

**Yeah…a little random, but hey, Bella's got to come. Without her, there won't be anyone to make fun of!**

**REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**


	4. Boys Bathroom

**Here we go. Shove Jacob in a sack, give Alice a stylish pack, and go on the train to Hogwarts.**

**I made that up.**

"All right," Alice squealed. "It says to go to Platform 9 ¾!"

"How're we supposed to do that?" Jasper asked. "We're not witches."

"Oh, it says there's an alternate entrance…this way," Alice said, looking at a picture of Bella with bad teeth and a unibrow and pretending it was a map. She led her siblings, Carlisle, Esme, and Bella over to the boys' bathroom.

Rosalie crinkled her nose. "Ew," she said. "I'm not going in there."

"Nobody goes in there," Alice explained. "It's the perfect place to keep a portal!"

"That's sick," Carlisle pointed out. Alice shrugged.

"I didn't draw the map," she lied, and led the way inside.

It was absolutely deserted, and absolutely disgusting.

"Ugh," Rosalie scoffed. "It smells like the time Jacob ate seventy corn dogs!"

"Where is Jacob, anyway?" Edward asked. "I mean – not like I care, but…"

"He's in here," Bella said with a sweet smile, patting her suitcase.

"You put him in your suitcase?" Edward asked his girlfriend, crinkling his nose. "Doesn't he have to breathe?"

Bella just looked at him blankly, as if he'd never said anything.

"Right," Alice said, looking so hard at her picture of Bella that she ran into a wall. "Here. There's supposed to be a pattern that we tap into the bricks, and then they should open into the platform."

"What's the pattern?" Jasper sighed, sounding bored.

Alice opened her mouth to reply, then shut it again, confused.

"She doesn't know," Edward explained.

Jasper snorted. "Go figure," he said. "Now what do we do?"

"I know!" Bella said peppily, running over in her high heels. She knelt beside her suitcase as if it were the star of a circus show. "I give you…Jacob Black!" She opened the suitcase and out tumbled Jacob, knocked out cold with blood running from his nose. "Oh…" said Bella, disappointed. "He's still knocked out."

"You knocked him out?" Edward gasped.

"Of course," Bella said, like it was obvious.

"You didn't even ask him?"

"What good would that do?" Edward stared at his girlfriend for a moment. Then he gave her a big hug, tears streaming down his face.

"I'm so proud of you," he sobbed.

Jasper groaned. "Is he dead?" he whined. "You _know_ I don't like corpses."

"He has a pulse," Esme said sweetly. "Oh, poor dear. We should get him a girlfriend."

"Just because he has a pulse doesn't mean he's truly alive," Jasper said, his eyes widening, making him seem like some creepy hobo on the street. "He could be dead in the_ soul_!"

"What?" Emmett asked. "Who're we talking about?"

**Here we go. I know it's been a while; I'm definitely slacking here when it comes to chapters. But I'm very busy right about now. Not really, though.**

**It's just I have another story I'm writing – a real one, not one on fanfiction – and the atmosphere is filled with excitement right now, what with summer vacation right around the corner. And I just can't wait to write it, you know? Because it's personal; it's my own, and it's real, and I made up every bit of it!**

**And it's the best I've ever written.**

**But I don't want to dump sincerity on you when you're looking for comedy, so…right. Um…REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**


	5. Train Ride

**All right. Thank you all for reading, and make sure to look at my poll!**

"Go!" Alice hollered. Edward and Rosalie rushed for the wall at full vampire speed. Edward held a Jacob that was still out cold in his arms, and Rosalie held Emmett in hers. Together they head butted the useless duo into the wall, attempting to break it down.

Bella talked to Jasper while Alice coached Bella and Rosalie, as Carlisle and Esme were heavily making out in the corner.

"Do you think that vampires are creepy?" she asked him.

Jasper just shrugged, a look of boredom on his face.

"Hey, are you mute, or something? Do you think you should take anti-depressants?" Bella inquired.

"They don't work," Jasper said dully. "I'm a vampire."

"Oh. Well, that's too bad, because they've worked really well for me," Bella said, and watched as a brick fell away from the wall. Jasper just stared at her, wide-eyed.

Finally, the wall exploded, and Rosalie set Emmett down on his feet. He rubbed his head, dubious, but he was still conscious, unlike Jacob, who stayed over Edward's shoulder. He'd figured that the wolf at least deserved to breathe.

"Hey," Alice whispered to Edward. "I have an idea."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Soon the Cullens, Jacob, and Bella were safely on the Hogwarts Express. The bricks that led to the boys' bathroom had closed as they stepped through, making the loss of brain cells in vain. "Well, at least we're through," Carlisle said, being the optimist.

"Yeah, that's _good_ news," Jasper muttered as the train clattered and banged along the track. "Bloody vampire ears…"

"Jasper, we don't need to pick up an English accent," Carlisle said gently.

"I don't bloody care!"

"But it's your choice, I suppose," Carlisle continued as if Jasper hadn't spoken. Jasper sighed.

"There," Alice said happily, finally leaving Jacob and sitting next to Jasper, who sighed again, but took her hand. Jacob had marker drawn all over his face, and he now had a mustache, unibrow, big, geeky glasses, and buck teeth. Alice had also put him in a pink, fluffy dress and high-heels. Pitying him, she'd also wiped the blood from his nose.

"Alice," Esme said, putting a fake shocked look on her face. "How is he ever going to get a girlfriend dressed like that?"

Alice pondered for a moment. "Good point," she said, and leaned in to draw freckles as well.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"W-What?" Night had fallen, and they were nearing Hogwarts. Jacob had finally woken up, and was looking around. "Where am I…?" Then he caught sight of Edward, who was struggling to hold back a grin.

Jacob jumped up. "Edward!" he shouted, his mouth moving super-fast like a ninja. "I must kill you!"

Edward broke into laughter. He fell on the floor, tears gushing from his eyes, his face turning red. Jacob stood dumbfounded at his enemy, wondering why he did not fear him.

"What's so funny?" he barked. Bella giggled.

"I'm sorry, man," Edward gasped, still on the floor. "I just – I just can't take you seriously in that outfit!"

"What?" he looked at his reflection in the window. He spun back to Edward. "I'm gonna kill you!" he shouted, morphing into a wolf and tearing his dress.

**All right. Super-short, I know, but hey, what can you do?**

**There's only so much I can put into here, after all. Gotta stretch it out, build suspense!**

**You'll understand.**


	6. Crossing the Lake

**Right. Thank you all for reviewing, and though I'll probably never get 160 freaking reviews like my cousin, who doesn't work half as fast as me, thank you all for reviewing.**

**La ****dracu****lume****nus**** are ****nici**** un ****sens****mai e!**

**It's...Romanian. I translated a bit of Romanian for a story I'm writing (outside fanfiction), so I thought I might as well put this in. Go ahead, translate it back to English if you want. Google has that feature...**

The Cullens sat mutely on the seat, watching the brawl on the floor. Jacob was on top of Edward, trying to rip off his face. Carlisle and Esme cuddled closely together with lust, as if this fight was the most romantic thing they had ever experienced. Emmett's head was in Rosalie's lap as they watched the fight, as though Emmett was a small child going to sleep and they were listening to a lullaby. Alice and Bella were chanting together, "Go! Go! Go!" and Jasper sat with a jaded look on his face.

Edward screamed as Jacob bit his nose and hung on.

"Shouldn't somebody help him?" Jasper sighed, though the look on his face said that he already knew the answer.

"Are you crazy?" Bella screeched. "There's nothing more exciting than a Jacob-Edward fight!" Jasper sighed.

"Break it up," he sighed, his voice nasal with boredom and apathy. "Jacob, cut it out. Edward, get him off. Ow. That looked like it hurt." But he didn't seem to care.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

The Cullens, Bella, and Jacob arrived at Hogwarts a short time later, and in twos, they stepped off the train. First came Carlisle and Esme, who made out for thirty seconds, took five steps, and made out for thirty seconds more. Rosalie, disgusted and filled with lust at the same time, stepped off the train with Emmett on her back, asking for a piggy-back ride. Emmett giggled and squealed like a five-year-old girl that was given a delicious lolly-pop.

Alice and Bella came out, gossiping and laughing like two teenage blondes, holding a chain that was attached to Jasper's wrist. Jasper just looked bored.

Jacob trotted out happily, his russet fur shining and spotless, dragging Edward by the leg. "Jacob!" he shouted. "Jacob! Let me go! It wasn't me! It was Alice's idea!"

"Edward, it's not nice to lie," Alice said with a devious grin as she gave the chain a jerk.

"Alice," Jasper said with a sigh. "Could you let me go?"

"What's the magic word?"

"Please?"

"Huh? No! Where'd you get that from?"

"Fine, fine. Shopping."

"Oh, Jasper!" Alice cried, giving him a kiss and unlocking the chains. "You're so sweet!" Jasper sighed.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

They arrived at a big lake, vast and wet, that separated them from the big castle called Hogwarts.

"What do we do now?" Jasper said, simply because he knew he was the only one that would.

"We swim," Rosalie said, walking into the lake.

Alice gasped. "But that will ruin our clothes!" she exclaimed. "And our shoes! And our hair!"

"And you're money!" Bella sobbed. Then she stopped. "I mean…you're underwear…"

"Oh, don't be a wuss," Rosalie snapped, and began to walk across the lake.

"Wait!" Alice cried, looking for an excuse. "What about Emmett?"

Rosalie sighed and turned to her husband. "Em!" she called. Emmett's head snapped up to look at her. "Come on, Em! I've got cookies!"

"Cookies!" Emmett cried, and ran after her.

"Hey, we can't even eat cook –"

"Shut up!" Rosalie shouted.

Jacob let go of Edward's leg and trotted into the water. When his wolf head was barely above it, he morphed back to a human. He'd ripped out of his dress, and the Cullens had thrown away his original clothes as a practical joke. Bella's eyes lit up.

"I think I want Jake to carry me…" she said slowly, and followed him in. Edward growled.

"Well, if she wants him to take his clothes off…" he muttered to himself. "_I_ can take _my _clothes off…"

Alice quickly leaped into Jasper's arms. "Carry me," she ordered.

Jasper sighed but didn't protest, and began to walk across the lake.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Soon, the Cullens reached the other side of the lake. Though Alice had been carried, her clothes were still ruined and wet, and she scowled at Jasper because of it. Emmett had managed to get across the lake without killing himself, but Rosalie suspected that was only because vampires couldn't die. She sighed and handed him a cookie, which he promptly ate and threw up in Edward's face as he stepped out of the lake.

Bella was making out with Jacob in the shallow area of the lake, and Jacob was looking very happy at that moment. Finally Bella let go and trotted happily to the shores of the lake, a devious smile on her lips as she thought about how Jacob had now completely forgotten that he would be going into Hogwarts naked.

**Um…yeah. I finally finished this chapter. I just…wasn't in a very funny mood. But, uh, after a while, I'm just like, "Well, they're waiting." So…**

**I'm really focused on two stories right now. Hunter Cullen and Persuasion. Hunter Cullen is a Sweep/Twilight crossover, but acceptable for Twilight-only fans as long as you don't mind having no idea who some of the characters are. (I'll explain them as I go.) And Persuasion is a good old-fashioned Jasper story about…Jasper. But it's different, of course. There's a girl called Evadne, and…anyway, you'll find out. Only if you read, of course.**

**Anyway, you don't have to read those fics, but that's why I'm a little slow on the comedy here.**


	7. Announcements

**Yay! I've gotten miraculously more popular! Thanks to all of you for reviewing, and, now that Persuasion is finally done, I can get back in a funny mood and actually get some chapters done here. Yay for you!**

**Oh, by the way, this chapter involves quite a bit of nudity. Sorry.**

The Cullens, Bella, and Jacob walked proudly into Hogwarts, Bella walking in between Edward and Jacob; Jasper back on his chain.

"Honey," he whispered into Alice's ear. "Would you mind, uh…saving the cuffs for tonight? I'll take you shopping." Alice thought about that.

"No," she said snippily. "You won't take me shopping. Liar."

"Well, honey, there are no stores in the middle of nowhere."

Alice lost it then. "No…STORES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed. She turned to Carlisle and pointed her finger at him as if telling him off. "You said there'd be _loads_ of stores!"

"N-n-not necessarily," Carlisle stammered.

"How _dare_ you move our family to a place with NO STORES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?" Alice screamed. "Now we'll have to wear the same thing _twice_!"

"Oh, God forbid we wear the same thing twice," Jacob muttered.

"And Jacob will be naked for the rest of his life!" Alice wailed.

"Wait – what?"

"Nothing…nothing…" Bella reassured.

"I'm going to have to look at his _thing_ every single day!" Alice shouted.

"What?"

"Nothing! She's gone insane!" Bella shouted in his face. Edward snorted. "Shut up!"

"Is everything alright?" a professional sounding voice came from around the corner; everyone froze.

A bird-like lady in a cloak appeared, and then she, too froze at the sight before her; seven soaking wet teenagers and two soaking wet adults. One of them without any clothes on.

"I beg your pardon," the lady gasped. "But, sir, I'm afraid you don't have any clothes on!"

"I don't?" Jacob looked down. "Oh, yeah."

"Follow me," the woman said briskly. "We'll get you all some robes immediately. There will be no soaking wet clothing in this castle…or any nudity for that matter."

They followed bird-lady to get some robes, and then she led them to a giant door that soared over their heads. "This is the Great Hall," said the woman. "I am Professor McGonagall, by the way, and I will help to introduce you. The entire school has arrived to greet you."

"Oh, that's very kind of you, Minerva," said Carlisle with a smile. McGonagall blushed.

"Oh, you," she said bashfully. She threw open the giant doors and stopped.

Standing on one of the tables was a naked dark-headed boy singing as loud as he could,

"_My name is Harry Potter  
I'm the king of the school!  
I'm better than everybody  
in the school!_

_I'm hip and I'm awesome  
All the girls know my name!  
H-H-Harry Potter-r-r  
that is my name!_

_Harry Potter  
Harry Potter  
Harry Potter_

_I defeated Voldemort when I was a baby!  
I was even awesome when I was a baby!  
Both my parents died when I was a baby!  
I grew up abused, without any love_

_Harry Potter  
Harry Potter  
Harry Potter…_

_That's ME!!!!!"_

Harry Potter froze when he saw Professor McGonagall, who had turned a dark shade of red by the time the song was over. "Oh, uh…Professor McGonagall…" Now Harry Potter had turned a similar dark shade of red. There was an awkward silence in the air.

Then Harry Potter jumped off the table screaming, "Ah! Ahhhhh!"

McGonagall rushed to his side. "Harry!" she cried, shaking him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," said Harry, getting up and rubbing his head. "What…happened?"

"You were…dancing and singing on the table!" exclaimed McGonagall.

"I don't remember any of that," said Harry innocently. "Voldemort is sick, don't you think, Professor?" Professor McGonagall nodded sympathetically.

"Yes, Harry," she said. "Very sick indeed. Go on; I'll go get you some robes. Oh, poor thing…"

As Harry Potter past Rosalie, he smoothed back his hair and winked. "That's me," he whispered as he left.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

When Harry Potter returned with a smug smile on his face, the opening ceremony began. The Cullens stood awkwardly at the front of the room as a bunch of eleven-year-olds crowded in, with McGonagall leading them. When they reached the front of the room, McGonagall began a long speech about excellence and failure, and then she pulled out a pointed black hat.

"You will now be sorted," she said in her brisk voice. "There are four houses in which you could be sorted. Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slitheryn. I will call your name and put this hat upon your head, and it will sort you. Once you are sorted, you will join the table of the house you have been sorted to. Then we will wheel in a little T.V. and force you to watch bad television!" McGonagall cackled. "Just kidding. Let's begin. Brooke Lee?"

"Ravenclaw," said the hat.

"Ashlynn Smith?"

"Gryffindor," said the hat.

"Evadne Sawyer?"

"Slytherine," said the hat.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

After an immense amount of names were read from an incredibly long list, the last name was finally read. "Liana Rudyard?"

The hat sighed. "I don't know…" it said. "Let's just say Slytherine; that good for you, kid?"

"Um…not really."

"Too bad. What's next, McGonny?"

"Shut up, Frank," McGonagall hissed.

"Oh, Frank! Yeah, now you finally call me by my name, you no good transfiguration –"

"Shut up, Frank!" McGonagall hissed.

"Bitch," the hat muttered.

"Anyway, moving on," said McGonagall, throwing the hat aside. "I give you your headmaster, Professor Albus Dumbledore!" Silence. "Professor Albus Dumbledore!" McGonagall repeated. Still nothing.

"Dumbledore!!" McGonagall shouted furiously, turning around. Dumbledore, who was snoring in his chair, woke up and rose.

"What, Minerva?" he shouted angrily. "What could you possibly want n-" He froze at the sight of the dismayed students. "I mean, uh…Minerva. Looking as lovely as ever, I see."

"Why, thank you, Albus," said McGonagall smugly. "The announcements, please."

"Oh, right. Of course. We'd like to bid our poor nurse, Madam Pomfry, goodbye and welcome Carlisle Cullen and his family. I want you all to treat them as if they belong here, even though they thirst on your blood. Okay?"

"Yes, Professor Dumbledore," droned the school.

"Second of all, we're going to have the Triwizard Tournament here this year, so write your name on a piece of paper and throw it the fire! Yay…So, yeah, two other schools are going to hang here for the year; is that tight?"

"Fo' Sho', Dumble-dog," droned the school.

"Right, and let's also welcome Professor Moody."

"Welcome, Professor Moody," droned the school.

"Alright! That's about it…Let's stuff our faces!!"

**Ta-da! How d'ya like it? Well, it doesn't matter, as long as you review, Kay?**

**Kay.**

**Anyways, you'll be seeing chapters a bit more often. Or maybe, because I've been getting so many new reviews, you won't…**


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